Twenty six years ago, I was in mourning of sorts, mourning the emptiness of a cradle and a crib and missing the precious sounds of a baby's cry. I guess that is when I really took things to heart and started to write again. I looked at as a self-imposed therapy. I enjoyed it. I thought I was halfway decent at it, so I wrote and wrote and wrote. Next thing I knew, I had accumulated nearly 150 pages of therapy and I was beginning to feel better as well.
At the time this all happened, I worked at the old Rich's store in downtown Atlanta in one of the corporate support departments. I had come to know many of the buyers, one of which encouraged me to take my pages and pages of therapy to the publisher and see if it was worthy. I never did. I packed it away, and feeling better all the way around, didn't think about it for a long, long time.
Over the course of time and events, there were wonderful changes. My husband and I were blessed with two incredibly beautiful and extremely gifted children, which we adopted. One boy, one girl and now my family seemed to be complete. They both grew up. They are God's gifts not just to us, but to everyone around them. My unpublished book was now forgotten as the cradle, the crib, had purpose.
Every mother looks at her children and remembers those first days. They remember their pregnancy, delivery, that first touch, the tiny fingers and toes. I do too, but I remember pregnancy, labor and delivery all wrapped up into the two life-changing phone calls that we received, one for each child. Our lives were about to change in such an incredible way, and with no warning. I remember sleepless nights with a newborn that was colicky from the minute she was born until she was 24 (well maybe not quite that old). I remember going to Scottish Rite so many times with our son, that we jokingly referred to a room as our "family suite". High fevers (one even as high as 108.6), strep throat, ear infections, bumps, bruises, pink eye are all memories that are there, but foggy, as I don't think I was totally lucid through a lot of that due to sleep deprivation and worry.
No, never gave the book another thought. Life was good. The crib had a purpose and the cradle was no longer empty. I wouldn't trade any experience I've had in my life for any amount of money. They are precious memories that I will cherish for a lifetime, the battles included, they all had a purpose.
We lived and learned along the way through infancy, toddler, preschooler, elementary, middle school (oh, those teenage years were a blast, let me tell you), high school and now college and one now married to the man of her dreams. You know, they don't give you a handbook with children. You learn as you go and you listen and you get advice (whether you want it or not) and then you do what you sense is right.
Our kids were and still are true miracles and blessings that have filled our lives in a most abundant way. Our daughter excels at everything she touches. She has danced, skated, painted, built, designed, created and just done amazing things. Children love her and she once thought about being a teacher. She is queen in the kitchen, and taught herself to sew. Amazing young woman, and there are not enough good things I can say in her praise. She does suffer from one ailment though, and that is from being so overly talented in so many areas that she can't decide on any one thing to specialize in. It has made college difficult, because in order to do it all, she would be there forever, and she thinks now, she is ready to just be a grown up. We talked about this just the other night. You know, sweetie, I will support you in whatever you do, whatever direction you go, because whatever you choose, you do because your heart and soul are in it. I am so proud of you.
And then there is my son, my amazing son, who was born nearly 15 weeks premature and came into this world weighing in at a mere 1 1/2 pounds and then lost half of that. Just living was an uphill battle for him for a long, long time. When he was 12, we found out that he was autistic, more specifically with Asperger's Syndrome. School in those days was difficult. People, teachers included, didn't understand and many lost patience with him. That is when we started home schooling, and it is an experience I will never forget or regret. You get to know your children completely. Needless to say, I have been his advocate for his entire life, but even more so as I fought for his place in life, school, society and a future. I proudly announce that he just graduated high school, but not home school high school, regular public school high school. He accomplished 4 years of high school and 1 year of tech college in 2 years and 3 months. Oh, yes, momma is proud, so very proud. That once premmie baby with the big, big eyes, is now nearly 6' tall and jaw droppingly handsome and he is going to take the world by storm and make sure everyone knows his name. He has an agent now and does incredible voices and improv. He has high hopes of becoming a successful voice actor someday, and I know he will make it.
No, hadn't even given the book another thought, until.....
Cleaning out closets and boxes a few weeks ago, I came across a brown paper wrapped bundle with an address on it. At first, I didn't remember what was inside, and then I had a vision of the empty cradle and purposeless crib. Without a second thought, I smiled, said a prayer, thanked God for my miracles and promptly tossed my 150 pages of therapy into the garbage bag. My life was complete.
Love to all and thanking God every moment of every day for my miracles,
Me - KatyDid
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Birthright and Big Bird
When we are born, we automatically assume a variety of titles (son, daughter, niece, nephew, brother, sister, friend). Literally, the list is endless. Day by day and year by year, that list grows and for most of us, we carry so many “titles” that we often tend to forget about all of them and the special significance and responsibility that goes along with each and every one of them. We all come with a birthright. How we function with that depends upon what path we choose as we grow up. Ultimately, at birth, there is one birthright that we all share, and that is “Child of God”.
Child of God comes with an enormous amount of responsibility, but even more so, with an abundant amount of love, patience, faith, peace, tenderness, comfort, grace and forgiveness. Again, that list is endless as well. These are the things that through our commitment to our Father, we in turn commit to share with others, unconditionally, for our entire earthbound life. We are bound to Him through not only our belief, but our behavior(s) and our ability to let each of those traits shine through us to everyone around us. BE HIM! Be Him in every way. Be the Light, the Love, the Passion, the Forgiveness, Be the Random Act of Kindness! Be Understanding. Be Patient. Be Tolerant. Be Him!
So many times, (more often than we care to accept), any one of those traits can be and will be tested. If we ask God for patience, more than likely, our ability to develop a level of patience is by having ours tested. You ask for some patience in dealing with a wild out of control child and your patience is tested and developed when the child pours a whole container of chocolate syrup on the floor and then plays in it. Initially, you want to wring their darling little neck. But once, the mess is cleaned up and you stand face to face with your chocolate covered, sticky youngster, they look up at you with big tear filled eyes and in a sweet, innocent little voice, simply say, “I’m sorry”.
Now, unless it has happened a hundred times before and you know that they really aren’t all that sorry, you smile, you forgive them, hug them in their chocolaty glory and try to explain why mommy went off the deep end and screamed and cried (and maybe even let loose with a few colorful words) when she saw the mess. And then you say "and please, oh, please don’t do it again". Besides which, that empty can of chocolate syrup might have started out being too heavy for their tiny little hands and started off as an innocent spill and not a malicious attempt to free every last molecule of yummy chocolcaty-ness in that very enticing little brown can. Who knows, maybe the little one was even doing something nice for you. After all, you like chocolate milk, don’t you? Be thankful. It could have been followed by a whole gallon of milk as well. You might even find a giggle in it and get a sweet chocolate kiss that you will remember for a lifetime, but especially when your little one is grown and out on his or her own.
Patience comes with trial! You are not born being patient or tolerant, you develop it and hone the skill for your entire life. Remember that the next time you insist on pushing someone to their limit – ON ANYTHING! Don’t get upset if they freak out and handle the situation badly. Their skill level is still under construction, just like yours.
I wrote an email to a friend the other day and I complained, moaned, and fussed about all of the seemingly negative things that had singled out my family and were marching steadfastly towards my life. I ended the email with “does it ever end”. Yes, it does, and all too soon, but what we take with us every moment of every day is either our waning or growing faith. We have very little if any control over a lot of the things that happen to us or to our loved ones and even our pets . Whether we have an older family member dealing with Alzheimer’s, cancer, heart disease or just old age, there is not a one of us that can honestly stand up and say that our faith has never been tested. Just as often as we ask “why” and our faith is tested due to the serious or terminal illness of a friend or family member, it is and can be strengthened just as often by our ability to talk to our “Dad” to help us see through the grief and pain and sorrow and know that He is still there. That this “situation” whatever it may be is a part of life and the situations will vary for each of us. So, instead of turning our back on Him and pushing Him away, we can draw closer to Him and know that He is so big that He holds the universe in the palm of His hand, yet He is small enough to hold us on His lap and wrap His loving arms around us and just hug us and reassure us and love us and let us know that it will be alright.
There is not anything so bad or so big that we cannot endure when we have His help. He grieves when we grieve. He cries with us as we begin to mourn the loss of someone special and dear. But, He gives us the ability to smile again as we remember wonderful things about that person. Grief is a part of life, as are happiness and joy, and sometimes we forget that they go hand in hand. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to grieve, but it is just as important to remember the “wonderful”. Those moments are the ones that begin to help you deal with the grieving process. You have to go through it. We all do and we all handle it a little differently. You can’t tell someone “how” to feel or not feel. Whether the person is a parent, a sibling, a friend, we all look at that person that we are losing, with loving eyes and wonderful memories. We all want that one person to be whole again, to not feel pain. We want that person back with us they way that were in our memories. We all look at that person and love that person for our own special reasons, and no one, not anywhere, at any time, can take those memories away from us. Sometimes, we have to learn to let go because this process, this journey that we call “life”, has a path to follow. It has a beginning and an end. For some of us, it won’t be pleasant, nor swift, but the path is part of the journey and you can’t get there any other way.
There is not anything so bad or so big that we cannot endure when we have His help. He grieves when we grieve. He cries with us as we begin to mourn the loss of someone special and dear. But, He gives us the ability to smile again as we remember wonderful things about that person. Grief is a part of life, as are happiness and joy, and sometimes we forget that they go hand in hand. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to grieve, but it is just as important to remember the “wonderful”. Those moments are the ones that begin to help you deal with the grieving process. You have to go through it. We all do and we all handle it a little differently. You can’t tell someone “how” to feel or not feel. Whether the person is a parent, a sibling, a friend, we all look at that person that we are losing, with loving eyes and wonderful memories. We all want that one person to be whole again, to not feel pain. We want that person back with us they way that were in our memories. We all look at that person and love that person for our own special reasons, and no one, not anywhere, at any time, can take those memories away from us. Sometimes, we have to learn to let go because this process, this journey that we call “life”, has a path to follow. It has a beginning and an end. For some of us, it won’t be pleasant, nor swift, but the path is part of the journey and you can’t get there any other way.
There is an old song from Sesame Street called “ABC-DEF-GHI”. I’m almost 57 years old and I still remember the words to that stupid song because my younger brother sat and watched Sesame Street until I thought his eyes would pop out of his head. Big Bird sang the song. In a nutshell, it is the alphabet, but when sung, it is sounded out as one garganteous word. “It starts out like an A word as anyone can see, but some where in the middle, it gets awful QR to me…”. Okay, so what is the point of this analogy, you may ask. I will tell you. It’s as simple as a beginning and an end with a really crazy middle. Birth, Life, Death – there, all wrapped up for you in a silly song from the early 70’s that was sung by a giant, yellow bird! Go figure.
Our birthright is the same. Our paths and our journeys will vary because of the choices we make along the way. Our destiny is the result of our journey, and just like the unwanted flat tire on the family vacation, we run into a lot of unpleasant, unwanted situations along the way. Our chosen path is riddled with the results of good and bad choices, hundreds of thousands of them! Our destiny is chosen by One Right Choice and our ability to set out on the path that came with our birthright.
Right now, I have within my own family, multiple situations which are truly breaking my heart. I have no control over the outcomes of these situations. In each scenario, I am thankful for the miracles of each of the lives, for the joy that I have known as a result of each and every one of them. I count each and every one of them as a blessing that has made my life special in so many ways. I know what the results are going to be, and simply pray for the strength and peace of mind to be able to walk on as each of those involved reach the end of their journeys. I ask for comfort for everyone involved. I pray that there is salvation and acceptance. I ask for peace that surpasses all understanding to come over each and every person whose life is now or has been touched by these wonderful people that He created to go before each of us to guide us, teach us, love us, discipline us, forgive us and hold us in their hearts forever as they prepare for the next phase of their journey. I thank Him for the wonderful gifts that all of these people are leaving behind for ME and for my family and for my friends. As they take more and more steps down the path to that Last Door that is a part of their birthright, I thank Him for the countless memories and blessings that these people are leaving behind and I ask Him to guide them safely and lovingly the rest of the way. Now, it is my job to tell the stories and keep their life and journey alive while I continue on mine.
I remember someone very special to me, telling me a long, long time ago, that when we are born, we are at that time, the closest to God that we will be for a long time. I always thought that was kind of a strange statement, but if you stop and think about it, it’s very true. We are born, we are pure. Along the way, we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t really mess things up and make mistakes. But do you know what is really cool? He loves us anyway, and gives us an endless supply of do-overs to help us find our way back to the right path. And, when we get it right, we are rewarded by claiming the other part of our birthright so that when our own journey winds down and we begin to take those final steps, we are able to walk through that Last Door without fear, without remorse. Because, guess what! On the other side, there is a new beginning, a new body, and a whole lot of wonderful just waiting for each of us that claims our Birthright through Him and our salvation.
So, today, I will close my journal with this: it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to grieve and it’s okay to be sad. And, yes, it is okay to be mad and think it’s unfair. Those are all feelings and things that are part of the journey. I think I would really worry about someone that didn’t do any of those things. When you love someone so much, that it hurts at just the very thought of losing them, there is nothing wrong with you. You are normal! You’ve shared many wonderful moments with this person who will always be near and dear to you. You are a part of the human race, and sometimes, it bites, but it also can leave you smiling and it’s the memories and the smiles that will get you through along with a little help from the One that put you here to start with. Call Him! He Is There and He Will Get You Through This!
Claim your birthright, it is as simple as A to Z and it may get a little QR in the middle, but walk the path and when you need to smile, be a Big Bird and sing that silly song from Sesame Street along the way. I put the words down here for you, just in case, but the real joy is hearing it, so hop on over to YOUTUBE and search for Big Bird and the alphabet song. Make this silly song a part of your life. Listen to it. Trust me. You won’t ever get it out of your head!
Love and peace! In Him, the Ultimate Big Daddy!
from Me, KatyDid
ABC-DEF-GHIsung by Big Bird (Carroll Spinney)Music and Lyrics by Joe Raposo & Jon Stone
ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTUV-WXYZ
It's the most remarkable word I've ever seen
ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTUV-WXYZ
I wish I knew exactly what I mean
It starts out like an "A" word as anyone can see
But somewhere in the middle it gets awful "QR" to me
ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTUV-WXYZ
If I ever find out just what this word can mean
I'll be the smartest bird the world has ever seen!
It might be kind of an elephant
Or a funny kind of kazoo
Or strange, exotic turtle
You never see in a zoo
Or maybe a kind of a doggie
Or particular shade of blue
Or maybe a pretty flower
Naah, not with a name like that, Uh uh!
ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTUV-WXYZ
It's the most remarkable word I've ever seen
ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTUV-WXYZ
I wish I knew exactly what I mean
It starts out like an "A" word as anyone can see
But somewhere in the middle it gets awful "QR" to me
ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTUV-WXYZ
If I ever find out just what this word can mean
I'll be the smartest bird the world has ever seen!
For Skyler - Poop Cookies and Wonder Dog!
Poop Cookies and Wonder Dog!
"Before I shed light on the title, how about a little history.
Nine and a half years ago, a little 2 pound fuzzball showed up on our front porch as a gift for my daughter. It was a Shitzu puppy, maybe 6 weeks old, cute as a button and stubborn as the day is long. Cuteness and cuddlyness kind of made us overlook the massive puddles of pee and the oopses in the house on the rug. Well, at least for a while. Training and more training and countless rolls of paper towels and floor cleaner have led us to where we are now - still dealing with the occasional lake in the dining room (nowadays, we blame it on the water pills).
He's a fuzzball! He is a rambunctious, opinionated, diabolical, four legged hairy kid.
A lot of rain or no rain at all is par for the course for living in the south. Good or bad, we can't control it so we deal with it. We have no other choice. However, my cuddly little four legged schemer, hates to get his little feet wet and further more, will absolutely no way ever in my lifetime or his, walk into dewey wet grass or through a puddle. Heaven forbid. Can't keep him out of the bathtub, but, hey, that's playtime! Puddles and wet grass are not a part of his vocabulary. So, we began a reward system for when he was a "good boy" and did his business outside, rain or shine. Hence, the "poop cookies". Trust me, he knows, too. He only gets a treat when he does what he is supposed to do. When we come in, he will stand in front of the counter and bark at the yellow bag with those tasty poop rewards, until he has received the ultimate treat. Spoiled, no, not the least bit.
For the first 2 or 3 years of his life, he was my daughter's dog. Now she has 200 pounds worth of four legged attitude of her own in her home with her husband. So, the fuzzball became my "baby".
Last fall, we began to realize that he was showing serious signs of growing old and very quickly. He has a heart murmur and a heart that so large that it puts pressure on his trachea and sometimes he "hurks" because it is hard to breathe. We are working on that. I love this little dog. He is my secret buddy. I can tell him things that are my deepest thoughts and secrets and really know that they stay with him. I will really miss him when he is gone.
Recently, his coughing has become worse, but then again, anyone with lungs is suffering due to our sweltering 90 degree plus heat and humidity. We talked about what to do and felt like maybe it was time to make a decision about the one way trip to the vet. The fact that I had just read "The Art of Racing in The Rain" didn't help with my emotions, and I spent literally a whole weekend, cuddling this sweet little dog on my lap (oh, can't forget the rocking, he loves to be rocked). He seemed as if he was ready. Deep, starring glances from his eyes, led me to believe that it really was time, or so we thought.
Picture us, driving to the vet, tearful, emotional, loving on my little hairy kid. We sat quietly in the waiting room, of course, with him cuddled on my lap. It was our turn and we made our way to the exam room, where he was carefully placed on the table. (Had to be careful, he is very delicate). Temperature first and those big bulging eyes about popped out of his head! He had been violated! Gained a couple pounds, maybe the result of too many poop cookies???? Hmm...
In walks, what we think is absolutely the greatest vet in the world and this little guy just loves her. My forlorn, pitiful puppy proceeded to stand up, lick her chin and bark playfully at his favorite doggie doc. One look at me with a smile, and she simply said, "mom, it's not time yet". He still has a lot of life left in him.
Now, having read the book that I did, I had it in my mind that my little dog understood every word that was being said and took it all to heart. On the trip home, he stood and looked out the window, barked at people in cars next to us and ran in the house like there was no tomorrow. I think he needed to hear what she said as well. The toy basket got tipped over and over the course of the next hour, he played with every toy that he owned. Running up and down the hallway made him cough, but he is also starting to figure out that he will stop coughing if he lays on his side. This is a smart dog! It has been like this since the vet trip. It's great. He has an amazing will to live.
Well enough of that, back to the poop cookies. Again, Georgia being Georgia, and weather prognosticators being as inept as they can be, the only real way you know if you are going to get rain down here is to walk outside and see if it is raining - which it did Tuesday night for hours and hours. It was great! Wednesday morning, dog walking, puddles, attitude, escape attempts back to the house - I knew if this little pooch didn't go potty, he would pop! Side ways glances at me when I MADE him walk into the wet grass were venom filled and there it was, all of a sudden, you could see him formulating a plan. I was in trouble! Look left, look right and a bee line made for the end of the driveway. My fears were that he was going to do something really stupid like dart out in the road. Nope, not him. He was in revenge mode in the soggy wet outdoors. Before I could get to him and scoot his little body over into the grass, he took position in the middle of the driveway and left us a present that will not soon be forgotten. He turned around and looked at me and sneered! Yes, he did! He was back in the house before I could clean up the mess, and there he sat, in front of the counter and the magical yellow bag, barking his head off.
At first, the whole thing wasn't funny. Now, I can't help but smile when I replay the whole thing in my mind. It was smart, it was calculated and it was spiteful! So, guess what I did. I gave him a poop cookie and now he's happy."
Goodbye Wonder Dog! Love you, RIP...you fought a good fight, touched a lot of hearts and made us all very happy.
first published June 27, 2010...
Goodbye Wonder Dog! Love you, RIP...you fought a good fight, touched a lot of hearts and made us all very happy.
first published June 27, 2010...
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