Life Doesn't Stand Still

Well, here I am again. I will tell you now, if you've come here expecting generic, non-spiritual, non-worship related, generic blogs, you're in the wrong place. I'm a child of a Living God and He goes with me everywhere, and I share Him anywhere and everywhere. It's been over 9 years since I've taken time to organize my thoughts and talk to you. A lot has changed. It took me awhile to grieve, really deeply grieve after losing my daddy several years ago. After years of being strong and holding things together for everyone, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't cry. I think in my mind, it felt like if I allowed myself to cry, it would mean it was all too real and that I wasn't strong and that it really was time to move on, and more than anything, that I didn't think I could stop. Eventually, I did cry, and I did stop, and it was cleansing. I felt better. I was still strong, and stubborn and an awful lot like him, and very proud of that. But I also have realized just how much of that strength comes from my momma. That makes me very proud, and she's still standing her ground at 93! I'm so very proud of her. You've heard the phrase "the best is yet to come"! Well, it did! My husband and I became a real honest to goodness grandparents...Nana and Pappy! That not so little guy calls me Nana Banana, and he's my sweet Butterbean, and will be for life. One of the things that I always longed for, was to be a mother, and I always just assumed that my husband and I would go through pregnancy and all of the wonder that goes with it, but that was not God's plan for our lives. However, after 11 years of trying, we adopted our first child and 6 years after that, our second. But our first, our spunky little attitude with pigtails, is the mother of the Butterbean, and one of the most wonderful gifts I've ever received, was to be with her and hold her hand and watch as my grandson was born. I have seen so many miracles in my life, from seeing someone come back from the brink of death, to holding my daddy's hand as he took his last breath, and being able to hold my daughter's hand and watch as my grandson take his first breath. I can't explain the multitude of emotions that I experienced all at once in any of those situations, fear, grief, love, peace, moreover - an incredibly strong faith. But the constant in all of it was the overwhelming love. I rejoiced as a friend returned from death to live for many more months. I grieved my Daddy but celebrated because I knew where he was. A couple years later, that grieving for him became incredible joy as I watched my grandson being born. Every single one of those moments, was a miracle, a gift...from God. But, life doesn't stand still. The next couple of years were pure joy because, I got to take care of the "bean" whilst the parentals were off at work. The first year at their house, then as the second and third years, we made a 20 mile drive 3 to 4 days a week to pick him up half way between, etc. In the middle of that second year, my husband retired. My favorite picture is his first official day home asleep in his recliner with the bean stretched out on his lap, asleep. Going from having no little people in our house to the best grandson on the face of the earth running up and down the hallway, giggles, food fights, attitudes, potty training, train rides at the mall, trips to Chuck E Cheese...it was all absolutely wonderful. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I was so sad to see "3" happen, because that meant preschool started in the fall, but we did get to pick him up for the afternoons! We'd spend them at the zoo and the park and then go meet his mommy. No, life doesn't stand still. Since those days, well, my inablility to cry seems to have cured itself, and now, it just doesn't take much. I cried when we all took the "first" trip with my daughter and her family to the land of the awesome mouse in Orlando...because...the bean...saw the famous mouse for the first time live and person, which inevitably, made his mommy cry which made her mommy cry which made all of the men just roll their eyes and shake their heads. Half of time at the "World", he wasn't tall enough to do all of the cool stuff, so Nana volunteered to not do the cool stuff and got one on one with the Bean, who, was usually asleep in the stroller. It's quite alright. Nana gets motion sick and has cranky aches and pains. I'd probably have been in traction for a week if I had ridden Thunder Mountain Railroad, let alone any of the really wild stuff. I get green on carousels now. Let me tell you something. Somewhere between 2 and 3, this adorable, rambunctious sweet little boy turned into a daredevil, a wild child, a thrill seeker. There are pictures of him riding Seven Dwarves Mine Train with his arms high in the air and a grin on his face. Since that first started coaster six years ago, he's added several more notches to his belt, all of which make his Nana squeamish at just thought of them. Yet again, life doesn't stand still. That precious boy was halfway through preschool at a church based preschool program after the Disney trip...and he loved it...and then...the world shutdown. We were all sent into a tailspin, believers, nonbelievers, mask or not to mask, businesses, schools, churches...closed. The world was closed. It was a time when a lot of people suffered great loss in so many ways. No, life did not stand still, the world kept spinning, but the doors to everything were closed, at least for a few months. And then, one day, someone said, let's try let's just trust and be careful and try. Slowly, life began to get back to some sort of normal for some people. For so many others, it was just too late. Life has a beginning, a middle and an ending. Some people walk this earth without ever knowing their purpose, without ever having any faith in any thing, ANY ONE, ANY ANY ANY. Some people chase an unknown their whole life not ever knowing exactly what it is that they are chasing or seeking. I was there. I went through the actions...often not really understanding the whys or anything about the destination. I was merely going through the motions, until, one Sunday, in a little country church, I heard a whisper, just a soft voice "serve my children". I was startled. I even looked around for the source. Again... It took me a little while to acknowledge that I had just received a pretty special message from someone that yes, I truly believed in, but maybe hadn't totally committed myself to. God had called me to serve. At the time, I really didn't know what to do, how to respond and I got defensive...I can't. Not now. We have a sick baby. Timing really bad right now. How, why, what do I do? Serve my children. It took me a long time to answer that call, but I did. I worked with children, creative ministries, youth...and then, one day, I didn't, because life doesn't stand still, and sometimes life offers other challenges and throws roadblocks in our way. But, for those years that all of those years that my answer was "yes", I grew spiritually, but I also grew as "me". But I began to find myself again and rediscovered gifts and strengths and abilities that I had hidden for such a long time. God always has a plan, and the timing is never ours, but always His. I had dragged my feet for awhile as a less than willing participant in answering His call to serve. I was called to serve His children, but they served me. My heart, my faith won't ever be quite the same. Experiencing Jesus and the miracles through a child's eyes will change your life forever. I don't think I ever totally understood what was being asked of me until I just dived in, head first, and that was all it took. Life doesn't stand still for any of us. Everything is in constant motion. People come and go, and the ones that remain, change. Strategies change. Likes and dislikes change. Priorities change. Even what's old and new change. Remember my sweel little Butterbean and his wonderful preschool? Well, that preschool is at a pretty amazing church, and one day, HE decided that HE wanted to go to church there and that's exactly what he told his momma. So, they did. One beautiful moment led to another. Now, she teaches at the preschool. Both she and the Butterbean were baptized at the church and officially joined (because at 4, he wanted to)! Because of them, at the ripe young age of 69, I ventured in to this pretty amazing Southern Baptist church one Sunday morning and found a spiritual peace that I didn't know how much really needed. But I also found revival. Last year, after prayerful consideration, I made the decision to join. I recommited my faith and acceptance of Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour and I was baptized by immersion. (I had been baptized by "sprinkling" as an infant). The difference this time...it was my decision. It was my full profession of faith. For that very quick moment in time, I remember holding my nose closed, my arms crossed over my chest and offering my testimony that Jesus IS Lord...the warmth of the water quickly rushed over my head and shoulders and I rose up from the water, feeling blessed, feeling new, feeling loved beyond anything I can explain. It was a power that no words can describe. Hallelujah. So on that Sunday morning, way back in the 90's, I got the call, and I tried to ignore it. I made excuses. God knew. He patiently (and occasionally, impatiently) just kept calling and leading me where He wanted me, needed me. I figured it out. I answered that call. I'm blessed beyond measure that I did. No, life doesn't stand still. I wouldn't want it to. The ride isn't always easy. Sometimes, it's downright scary. It's sad. But every moment of it is a gift from God. You have to trust. You have to have faith, and yes, it will be tested. When you're standing on the mountain top, will you be afraid? Will you know? What will you see? What will you feel? Life doesn't stand still, and sometimes, you need to answer the call...before it's too late. Love y'all K

April, In Case You Didn't Know

Long post...from my heart to yours. I recently read a post written by a Parkinson's patient that was so raw and honest, it just kind of left me numb. I don't know who wrote it, but the blunt reality was courageous. Most people just don't know what it's all about unless you live with it or support someone with it 24/7. Some days, it's harsh, others are almost normal. The author's experience sounded an awful lot like the one at our house. I decided it was time to tell you a little bit more. I'd already been writing a new blog post, and went from there. Yes, I know it's long, but it's our house, our hearts. April is almost upon us! Palm Sunday is next week. Easter Sunday, Spring break, Georgia's infamous yellow-green pollen has taken over. Some of you are griping because you don't have the money for an expensive beach vacation or a trip to some exotic place. Or maybe just complaining in general because you can. That's fine. If you're happier complaining about what you don't have, that's fine too. Just for kicks and giggles and some peace, why not try being thankful for the blessings that are right in front of you. April 5th is Easter Sunday. If you don't know that story, I'll be happy to talk to you about it, trust me, it's not really about a rabbit and some chocolate eggs. You don't have to shower the kids with a bunch of presents. But April also hosts 2, month long Awareness events that are very dear to us...Autism Awareness Month and Parkinson's Disease Awareness Month. At my house, these are just 2 of the things that we think are pretty special. Both have significantly changed all of our lives, and even on the not so great days, I still believe our lives have forever been changed for the better. I have to add Adoption Awareness Month in this list too, but technically, that's in November. Both of our bright and shining stars are adopted. Every year, I've bragged about both of our kids. Someone special told me a long time ago, that they didn't come from under my heart, but in it. I can't even begin to tell you how true that is. They each have their own legacy, but being their mom, the "person" that they each talk to, cry with, lend their shoulder when I need it, or "debate" with. We are so very proud of both of them. Our little 25 week 1.5 lb son is now 6ft tall. He's on the Spectrum, but extremely high functioning. He was our constantly sick and at Egleston or Scottish Rite child. Our little girl is beautiful, creative, artistic, and the world's best momma. Both have hearts of gold, compassionate, loving, kind, smart as they can be, and always there when I/we need them. Love them both so much, and our incredible grandson is just like his mom. Then, four years ago, we officially added Parkinson's Disease Awareness to our list. My husband was diagnosed. We had suspected for a long time. He'd had tremors for decades, actually, since he was a teenager, but they had been telling us for years that it was benign tremors. Then one day, my doctor saw him walking, saw that his gait was off, noticed the cupping in his hands, asked some questions and immediately ordered tests and referred us to a neurologist. It was scary. A lot goes through your mind. Parkinson's disease is scary, and there is so much that they just don't know. I know quite a few people who have it or have family or friends that have it, have died as a result of problems from it. It's not pretty. It's not fun. It's not at all predictable. There are stages of decline, and there are things that make you nervous when you see them happen. There are a lot of celebrities that have it, most notable, of course, is Michael J Fox, especially because his was early onset. Every week, there's another obituary with Parkinson's related issues listed as cause, and no matter how hard you try to ignore those, you hope and pray that someone else didn't hear that news story. Dwelling on what's to come isn't the way to make the here and now pleasant. With Parkinson's, tremors are a constant. But that's just the surface. There's so much more, and unless you've been around it, we don't let you see it, because we choose to protect them. We choose to only let you see the "good" days. Sometimes, we intentionally avoid big group events. Anxiety often makes things worse. It takes a lot, it takes courage, determination to venture out of a comfort zone. There are absolutely fabulous days here, sometimes, 2 weeks or more at a time, and then the good days stop, and without warning. We have no idea how long the bad days will last. But you take a breath, you say a lot of prayers and you encourage and you just do it. You ask yourself "what did we do that was different? Was it food, was it timing, was it exertion?" There's not really an answer. Sometimes, those not so great days just show up, unannounced, and can quickly steal your joy that's carried you through those wonderful days. But don't let it. Find your joy even when it seems like there just isn't any. Here's what gets us through. Loving someone with Parkinson's is not any different than loving someone without it. You still love them. It's a hurdle, a challenge that you're going through together. One of you is caring for the other. No, it's not easy, but you still love them, and you still do everything you can to make it better, to make it easier. We just celebrated the 52nd anniversary of our 1st official date! It's been 52 years of loving him. I wouldn't change anything, even the bad days. Good or bad, every single moment is special, a very special gift. Don't waste any of them. Remember, their fight is your fight, every step of the way. Cherish the good days, make memories and keep loving and fighting through the tough days, because YOU are their advocate. You are their team, their strength, their voice, their courage, their everything. Whether it's Parkinson's or cancer or heart disease or any other debilitating, life altering illness, their fight is still your fight, and if you love them, you'll keep fighting for them. For you, the caregiver, the one who loves them, just know that it really is ok to cry when you need to...because trust me, YOU absolutely will need to. You will wear your heart on your sleeve. You won't sleep very well. People that know you will look at you and know that it's been a bad week. Those dark circles under your eyes are going to tell on you. A trip to the grocery will be the high point of the week for you. I'm not kidding. You're going to repeat yourself. You're going to have days that you don't want to let them out of your sight. It is absolutely ok to be afraid of what's next, because this disease is not predictable and it's mean as it progresses. Yes it's a must, you need to be able to talk to someone sometimes because there are going to be days that you're exhausted, that you're afraid and that your heart is breaking. But you do it so that you can be brave for them all the time because you love them. Love them through all of this. Pray them through all of this. God will get you all through it, both of you, all of you... THEIR FIGHT IS YOUR FIGHT... YOUR FIGHT IS HIS! ❤K/S