Now you know where I'm going with this very necessary rant. I have just spent the last 2 hours outside with my husband attempting to get the uncountable pieces of pine straw from our year old gutters, courtesy repeated hail storms and the resulting damage that followed last spring.
My poor husband, like so many of us, has bad knees, unpredictable back and a not-so-wonderful feeling about being on our roof. In previous years, prior to the numerous spring storms last year, he climbed the ladder to the roof, used the blower to whisk the debris off and then would flood the old gutters with water from the hose and was done in a matter of 30 to 45 minutes or so.
Light bulb time. The insurance company was replacing our roof and one side of the house with gutters, so we decided to go ahead and do them all the way around and add gutter guards. Our thought was that this would eliminate the need for the additional time on our precarious perch and simplify things for him, bad back, knees and all.
They don't work. They don't do what the tell you they are going to do and pine straw now, not only collects in the edges of the gutters, but it slips through the gnarly little slots in the gutter guard and once again, clogs the gutters. So, now we have a bigger mess than we did before!
From here down, is my chronicle of the morning. I trust many of you will find humor in it. I tried so hard not to laugh at our comedy of errors and had to continuously look away from my husband so he couldn't see the smirk on my face. SHAME ON ME!
He is meticulous. There is no detail left out of anything he does. It's been wretched hot here for weeks, as in other parts of the country, so the roof is not exactly some place you want to be on a 100 degree day. I feel really sorry for the guys that do this for a living.
None the less, on this wonderfully muggy Saturday Georgia morning, we tackle the roof and the gutters.
Here's the plan.
1. He is going to use the blower on the roof!
Check - that part's done, nicely!
2. He has put the attachment on the hose that is an extension rod with a spigot on the end, then stand on roof while extending this rod until it just reaches into the channel of the gutters, full force water ahead. The thought behind this is that the pressure of the water will dislodge the clogged pine straw and scoot it up and out of the gutter! Nah! That was too good to be true. But this is where it gets even better. Our house sits on an extremely sloped lot. One end is a one story and the other is a two story. Got the picture. Ten feet off the ground to more than twenty. Not liking this at all. My job, as assistant roof cleaner offer, is to stand on the high point of our lot with binoculars (his idea) and focus on the gutter track and direct him to where the clogs appear to be. Well, that didn't work. It's 400% humidity here today and I wear glasses. Do you know what happens when you bring the binoculars up to your glasses on a steamy day! That's right! You get steam! I can't see a darn thing. Ditch the binoculars. I didn't think it was a great idea anyway, but I didn't want to steal his thunder.
Now, it's time to for you to use your imagination! Here goes. He's on the roof. Nope, Plan A not working. My glasses are steamed up, I can't see. Tried to dry them off, but my t shirt is soaked with hose water and perspiration. Now, they are not only foggy, but smeared and foggy! UGH! Not a problem, I'll just go inside and rinse them off in the kitchen sink and dry them in there with a nice clean towel. Making my way to the back door, hand on the door knob, twist only to get resistance. IT'S LOCKED. Um, honey, you closed the door and didn't unlock it. Do you have your keys in your pocket? Fidget, tug at door, stomp around muttering things under breath. NO!!!!! I am not going to repeat what he actually said under his breath, but I will translate it for you, something to the effect of "Gosh Darn It". That's all I am going to say. Fill in the blanks and use your imagination. It was colorful. Trust me! Are you ready for the next part?
Adding insult to injury, I suggested he retrieve our secret key. No dear, we haven't kept a key outside for nearly a year. Remember! Fill in more blanks at this point. Frustrated expletives........................................
So here we both stand, wet, sweaty, angry, no phone, no key, and house is locked up tight! Gee, I wanna help with this kind of stuff more often! This so much fun!
Brainstorm here. I remembered that I had opened the kitchen window the night before to knock down a spider's nest. Could we actually be so lucky! Perhaps!
Honey, um, why don't you just check the kitchen window for the heck of it. No, they are all locked tight and some even screwed shut. Great. This is getting better by the moment. However, I insisted, knowing what I had done the night before and he obliged me. I just love it when I'm right. But I didn't think this was the time to make a point, if you know what I mean.
So, from the other side of the house, here he comes with the extension ladder. Look around, we still need to find something to pop the screen out with. Look in the garage. Duh, door's locked! Oh yeah. Prop ladder on house, climb ladder, move the boston fern, destroy screen with a sharp stick, and pray like everything that that window really is unlocked.
Can you say HALLELUJAH! Miracles happen every day.
I'm a tad smaller than my hubby, I offered to climb up there and shimmy through the window, but, no, not having it. Okay, dear, I just don't want you to hurt yourself, back, knees, you know. I don't mind. It's okay! NO! I WILL DO IT! Here goes, 6 or 8 steps up the ladder. Window is open wide. Hurrah! Fumble with the blinds and find the stupid pull cord. Blinds up as far as they will go! Check.
Okay, okay, more visualization needed right here. I keep an over-the-sink shelf by the window. That's where I put my green tomatoes and any other fruit that needs to ripen a bit. At this very moment, it is covered from one end to the other with peaches, tomatoes, onions, garlic heads. Don't forget the teapot and trinkety things. He comes back down the ladder. Will you please move the "..." from the shelf so I can crawl through the window? Yes, dear, sure no problem. Task accomplished! Oh, and as a side note, honey be careful, the sink is full of dishes from breakfast, including a really sharp knife! Please be super careful. Don't need anything else to happen. Not really in the mood for an ER trip today if it's all the same to you. I got a nasty look. I guess I will shut up now.
Slowly he maneuvers himself from the ladder over the window ledge and through the window. At this point, his legs are dangling out the window and I now have such a picture in my mind that I will never forget. I will simply leave it to your imagination, but there was no airspace in that kitchen window with his dangling torso crammed into it and his legs dangling down the side of the house. Grunt, groan, push, shove, and finally the hips are through. He is now balancing himself on the edge of the sink that is full of dishes and his legs are only protruding from the knees, out the window. Honey, turn sideways just a little bit so you can pull your legs through and swing them around. Remember the dishes in the sink. Okay, sorry, just trying to help, here. I'm shutting up!
At last, nearly 30 minutes after this whole adventure began, he is through the window, feet on the floor, doors unlocked and back outside giving me dirty looks before I can count to three. Gee. I think I will just go into the house and clean up the mess on the counters and floor. Good idea!
Dear friends, these are the chronicles of my Saturday morning. I hope you had a giggle or two. Problem is, we are still not done with the gutters. So, here we go again, Plan B being put in motion, but one last thing, Honey, please put the key in your pocket. I love you!
The Chronicles of Gosh Darn It!
Later y'all!
K
